Career Development

Don’t take this personally but… Why We Take Things Personally and how to prevent it damaging our career

Our workplaces can often be stressful and it can be too easy to slip into feeling derailed, disrespected or just plain angry when we receive negative comments, criticism, or even indifference. It is human after all to feel. But it does not serve us well to be overly sensitive, particularly at work.

I used to take a lot of things very personally at work and mostly I thought I was hiding it from people - except for that time I started crying.

It was relatively early in my career, and I recall thinking I knew better than the client! Why on earth it shocked me that he did not take it well I don’t now recall – it was so long ago that managers still had secretaries and she was the only witness to my tears as I did manage to keep them at bay until I fled his office. If only I had felt less triggered and able to articulate the reasons I had done what I had done (or not done)!

Of course I realised that not discussing and negotiating a change in approach was not a great professional choice, and he was quite within his rights to be annoyed - yet it can be difficult to ‘take it on the chin’ even when logically we know the reason driving the response, much less when we don’t. It's so hard not to take it personally.

But what would happen if we could navigate our careers without taking things so personally? This idea is not new, but it is profoundly articulated in Don Miguel Ruiz's seminal book, "The Four Agreements." One of these four agreements is particularly relevant for professionals: "Don't take anything personally." This does not mean that we discard what is said, it is more about how we respond to what is said without giving away our power.

Why we take things personally

Humans are wired to seek validation and acceptance from others, and our brains are hardwired to perceive any form of criticism or rejection as a threat.

In "Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ", Daniel Goleman explains that our brains are hardwired to perceive criticism as a threat due to our evolutionary need for acceptance and survival. This response is often referred to as the amygdala response, as the amygdala is responsible for our fight or flight response to perceived threats.

This evolved from our primitive ancestors' need to constantly be on the lookout for danger. Being accepted by our tribe was crucial for our survival. Any negative feedback could mean being ostracised from the group and left vulnerable to danger. As such, we've evolved to be hypersensitive to others' opinions and reactions towards us.

But this innate need for validation can create a vulnerability to personal comments and negative actions - or perceived negative actions - from others, and in the workplace, where our jobs and livelihoods are on the line, this vulnerability scales a hundred-fold.

Why you shouldn’t take things personally

Taking things too personally in your career can have detrimental effects on both your personal well-being and professional success. It can lead to self-doubt, low self-esteem, and a constant fear of not being good enough. This mindset can also cause us to be defensive and reactive, hindering our ability to receive feedback and learn from it.

Furthermore, taking things personally in the workplace can create tension and conflict with colleagues or superiors. It can poison relationships and damage team dynamics, making it challenging to collaborate effectively and achieve common goals. In most of our workplaces, teamwork and cooperation are paramount, so the inability to separate personal feelings from professional interactions can really stymie progress and productivity.

In fact, holding onto personal grievances is a big contributor to a toxic work atmosphere, not only affecting the individual but also the morale of the entire team; Employees may feel drained and unmotivated, leading to lower productivity and increased turnover rates. Often, unresolved personal conflicts can also lead to passive-aggressive behaviour and gossiping, further damaging the cohesiveness of the work environment.

The Second Agreement: Don't Take Anything Personally

Ruiz proposes the liberating perspective: whatever happens around you, don't take it personally. When someone offers criticism, remember they're dealing with their own feelings, beliefs, and opinions. They are in their own world, and that world is separate from yours.

How not taking things personally can benefit your career

1. Improved emotional resilience

When you don't take things personally, your emotional resilience skyrockets. You can detach from negative remarks and keep your focus on what truly matters – your growth and your work.

Emotional, mental, and even physical stress can trigger the amygdala’s fight-or-flight response. When you begin to feel the symptoms of an amygdala hijack, pause. Take note of what you’re feeling and what led you to this moment. Recognize any bodily changes you’re experiencing.

Also, consider what triggered these feelings. Most people’s triggers will fall into the same general categories (stress, anger, aggression), but each person’s triggers will be unique to them.

These are the beginning steps of a practice called Mindfulness which helps you be more present and engaged in your responses and choices.

Through mindfulness, you can take stock of things like how you’re feeling and what’s stimulating you. You can learn to respond rationally and logically. This is another way of saying you can take control away from your amygdala and hand it back to your frontal cortex.

https://www.healthline.com/health/stress/amygdala-hijack#prevention

(Also See the Bravo Careers blog for more on Mindfulness)

2. Clarity in feedback

Separating yourself from criticism allows you to evaluate feedback more objectively. Is there a kernel of truth in the critique that you can use to improve? By not taking things personally, you can sift the constructive elements from the noise.

3. Empowerment in interactions

Once you're no longer anchored by your reactions to people's opinions, you find empowerment. You can listen and engage without feeling threatened, which can lead to more genuine and productive interactions. This in turn leads to...

4. Fostering better relationships

Professional relationships can thrive when they're not weighed down by personal sensitivity. You become someone who is known for their composure and reasoned response, not for overreaction.

5 Fuel for professional growth

Feedback is crucial for professional growth. It allows you to open more doors to learning and become proactive in seeking out opportunities to improve.

I can remember over a decade ago sitting in my office across from one of our senior Business Development specialists, who had flown in from Canberra. He was well-liked and very good at his job, so when he leaned across the desk and said to me gently “You don’t take feedback very well Fiona” I recall being quite stunned but also open to listening because I respected him, and personal growth was after all what I was all about. But it was the first time anyone (apart from my family!) had ever been so direct about my behaviour– and so darned helpful! I took that advice into my next role and was complimented by my new CEO on how well I took criticism. I had learnt not to shoot the messenger and hear the message.

8 strategies for practicing the Art of De-personalising

So, learning not to take things personally at work is crucial for maintaining a healthy, productive work environment and fostering personal growth, but how to do it?

1 Recognise your value

Know your worth. Your value is not contingent on someone else's opinion or comments. Affirming your own skills and achievements can build a solid emotional foundation that is impervious to external negativity.

2 Differentiate between 'You' and 'The Work'

One caveat on Ruiz' stance: Of course, there are situations where some criticism of our work performance may be warranted and legitimate. In these instances, it's essential to approach the feedback with an open mind and a willingness to learn and improve. Rather than viewing it as a setback, see it as a valuable insight into areas where we can grow professionally.

Acknowledging and addressing our shortcomings not only helps us advance in our careers but also demonstrates a level of maturity and commitment to personal development that is highly regarded in any professional setting. Remember, growth often happens at the edge of comfort zones, and constructive criticism is a pivotal part of that growth process.

Equally however, understand that comments about your work are not comments about you as a person. This distinction can help you depersonalise feedback and maintain your self-esteem.

3 Cultivate self-awareness

Self-awareness allows you to understand your triggers. Knowing what engenders a sensitive response helps you manage your reactions and keep a level head. Forewarned is forearmed.

4 Exercise compassion

Realise too that sometimes negative comments say more about the giver than the receiver. Practicing compassion towards those who criticise without foundation can alleviate the tension and turn a potentially confrontational situation into a moment of connection. Even if it doesn't lead to connection, it can at least offer the opportunity for a more positive emotional response to the situation.

5 Seek perspective

Sometimes all it takes is a step back to see the bigger picture. Instead of fixating on one comment or instance, consider your career in its entirety – the successes, the growth, and the potential. Talking it out with someone outside the situation can also help with perspective.

Another approach is to practice emotional detachment, which involves stepping back and assessing situations objectively without letting personal feelings cloud judgment. This doesn’t mean being indifferent; rather, again it’s about emotional resilience, the amygdala hijack and mindfulness - keeping a level head and not allowing emotions to drive reactions.

6 Cultivate a growth mindset

We have said this before, but viewing feedback and criticism as opportunities for development rather than personal attacks is critical - professional performance is not a reflection of our entire worth as human beings.

7 Communication skills

Additionally, clear and open communication with colleagues and managers can help clarify intentions and reduce misunderstandings, which often lead to taking things too personally. Seeking clarity about feedback or comments that seem hurtful can often reveal that there was no malicious intent behind them.

8 Personal power

Finally, building esteem and self-confidence can buffer the impact of negative interactions. When we have a strong sense of self and our abilities, it’s easier to shrug off comments or actions that might otherwise feel like personal slights.

By integrating these strategies into our professional lives, we can create a more harmonious workplace and focus on our most important tasks and goals, rather than getting bogged down by perceived personal affronts.

In short...

By making a conscious decision to not take things personally,

you protect your mental space,
nurture your professional relationships,
keep your career trajectory focused on growth rather than grievance, and
you keep your own integrity and your ability to be grounded, mature and compassionate intact.

As Ruiz succinctly puts it, (and with the caveat “usually”):

“Nothing other people do is because of you.

It is because of themselves.”

Embrace this truth and watch your career flourish unaffected by the unnecessary weight of personal offense.

Remember, your ability to act with intention, keeping the second agreement, Don't Take Anything Personally, alive in your day-to-day professional life, builds a foundation for a far more stable and successful career path.

One wise man once said